Abah Part 1

This is an old post. It's been there for weeks in the cage called "draft". Huhu.. So lazy to update lately. I'm busy working on a few things that I don't want to reveal them yet. Oklah, alang2 dah memang ada entry dalam draft, sambung type jeklah.


Flight Phobia

Just came back from KL. Haiihh... Baru 2 minggu lepas balik Besut with the same flight. Sisa2 kenangan masih lekat lagi. I remembered my feelings during the journey. Bercampur-baur. I was fighting real hard to hold the tears from coming out. I had Piju on my right and hubby on my left. They wouldn't want to see the tears. We felt so empty, trying our best to pretend that everything was okay.

And I still could feel the emptiness. I still remember clearly when mama called and said "Kak, abah dah takde..." Her voice was shaking. I closedmy eyes and let the tears trapped in my closed eyelids. I fall asleep until I reached KL. I didn't want to get up because I don't want to remember abah. I don't want others to see my tears.


Punca Abah Pergi

Ok, so many people want to know the reason behind abah's death. Dalam sijil kematian tulis sakit jantung. Yes. abah memang dah lama sakit. Sejak saya kat MRSM dulu lagi. Abah ada sakit jantung, darah tinggi, kencing manis, sakit paru2, etc.

Even a week before abah's death mama ada suruh standby kot2 kene balik. Abah tak pernah tenat. Sakit abah tak konsisten. Kadang2 dia sangat sihat, kadang2 dia nampak sangat tak bermaya. Tapi abah tak pernah tenat. Masa mama cakap suruh standby, saya dan Piju memang dah ada niat nak balik, but then mama cakap abah dah okay balik. Dah boleh pegi keje, dah boleh gelak, etc.

Cuma malam tue dalam kul 2.3o pagi abah ada ngadu sakit dada. Memang abah selalu sakit dada. Abah was a heavy smoker. Mama tak tidur sepanjang malam urut2 dada abah. Abah sempat tertidur balik.

Dalam kul 6.15 pagi abah tetiba terjaga and nafas dia sesak2. Dia bernafas pakai mulut, sangat kuat. Jiran sebelah rumah dengar. And yang paling dahsyat, jiran opposite rumah pun dengar (dipisahkan dengan jalan raya and a few land area, quite jauh )

Mama terus ajak abang sulung saya ke hospital. Mama cakap peluh bercucuran kat kepala abah. Mama papah abah keluar rumah. Time mama sibuk2 cari slipar abah, rupe2nya abah dah pakai sendiri sliper. And sliper yang abah pakai adalah sliper yang saya pernah hadiahkan pada abah dulu.

I bought it a year ago masa nak balik kawen if I'm not mistaken. He loved that slipper so much and really took care of it. I bought the same slippers to hubby a few months later tapi dah putus dah pun. Dah nampak usang. Tapi yang abah nyer masih elok kondisi dia.

And abah menghembuskan nafas terakhir dalam kereta, atas ribaan mama. Alhamdulillah mama sempat ajarkan abah mengucap. And he did it. Ayat terakhir keluar dari mulut abah is "Allah..."

Tapi mama and abang proceed jugak ke hospital. Sampai kat unit kecemasan, doktor datang cek abah dalam kereta. Doktor sahkan abah dah takde and suruh abang bawak balik je abah. Sebab kate doktor, once dah masuk ICU akan banyak proses and lama lagi nak bleh release mayat abah.

On the way balik tuelah mama called me. So, kami pun tak sure sebab sebenar kemation abah. Maybe dah sampai masanya. Abah was a good man. Dia jujur, amanah, ikhlas, beragama, etc. Cuma 1 sikap abah yang mama tak mampu nak ubah was his smoking habit. Abag dah pernah masuk wad berkali2 sebab keadaan paru2nya tapi abah still tak mampu nak stop habit tue. Sebab tie mama pernah warning saya suruh cari husband yang tak merokok. Huhu...


Petanda Pemergian Abah

On my side memang saya tak dapat pape petanda =( It's just a week before abah meninggal, memang saya tetiba rasa rindu sangat nak balik rumah. Rasa rindu sesangat nak tidur kat bilik saya kat Besut tue. Rupa2nya bilik tue jadi bilik letak jenazah abah lepas balik dari hospital tue.

And sehari sebelum abah meninggal, saya kat Awana Kijal. Kat situ lagi horror teringat kat family sebab last time saya kat Awana, my whole family (except Piju and hubby) was there, bermalam sama dengan saya, pegi swimming seme (I used to update on this one). Abah was so happy on that day. And malam tue saya borak lama dengan mama dalam phone. Abah sihat lagi malam tue.

On mama's side memang ada petanda, tapi mama nie jenis yang blur and innocent sket, tak sedar tue petanda. Bila abah dah takde baru mama perasan semua tue petanda yang abah dah nak tinggalkan dia.

Dulu abah sangat secretive tentang duit yang dia ada dalam bank. Mama tatau berapa banyak harta yang abah ada. Tapi a few months before abah pergi, abah tak pernah pegi bank sorang2. Selalu ajak mama teman dia.

Abah akan suruh mama isi borang nak bayar kete. Abah kasi pin number and akan suruh mama keluarkan duit abah. Abah akan bitau mama, ape yang nak kene bayar and ape payment yang abah receive monthly. Pendek kata, semua urusan pasal bank, seme abah suruh mama buat depan abah. Some sort of nak ajar mama.

Tapi tuelah, mama blur. Mama tak ingat langsung apa nombor pin atm yang abah selalu suruh dia taip. Huhu...


I'm Getting Better

Kalau ditanya, sedih tak tak dapat tengok wajah abah buat kali terakhir, I would say not really. Saye tak kuat nak pandang wajah terakhir abah. Mesti saye tak mampu jadi setabah haritu yang mampu tahan air mata sampai sakit kepala. Huhu...

Kali terakhir pandang wajah abah ialah masa abah datang Miri. Masa tue seme detik menggembirakan, and biarlah itu yang saya ingat sebagai wajah terakhir abah. Wajah gembira abah. Abah kept telling his friends he really enjoyed the experience being in Miri. Abah cakap 5 hari macam 5 jam jer. Huhu..

I remember yang saya tak cerita detail pasal family saya datang Miri dulu. Will try to write it later. Yang penting sekarang I'm getting much more better. Yes, one of the reason I'm being strong is because I have my husband by my side. He's my strength.

Hubby kat offshore lagi this weekend. Tapi saye dah tak rasa sesunyi dulu. As I said, I'm working on something now. Huhu... Oklah, dah panjang. Will continue later. Got 2 more entries about abah that I want to share tapi bukan dalam masa terdekat nie.

To all friends, thanks again for your support. I love u all!



Pengantin May 09

I wanted to continue writing about abah, but then I couldn't turn on my laptop suddenly. Baru balik repair arini. Nak tulis sket jek kat sini.


Penah beli/baca majalah Pengantin? Dulu time before kawen, tiap bulan beli. Lepas kawen memang dah stop beli terus dah, which means dah almost 8 bulan tak beli. Tapi last night masa kuar dengan hubby tetiba rasa nak beli majalah tue. So belilah. Patutlaa.. Rupe-rupenya....




Huhu... It was in page 94, written by my 1st makeup teacher. Terharu. Lepas kelas takdelah saye contact mana sangat dia untuk update my progress. And progress saye pun takdela mantap mane. Kerjaya mekap saye selalu jek terkorban gara2 other priorities. Huhu...

Owh thanks teacher. Terharu...



I'm In Labuan

Yes, I'm in Labuan now. It's my 1st trip here and I'm supposed to enjoy every moment of it because I always look forward to be here. According to many people, Labuan has nice beaches and of coz lah due to that tax free thing.

But I'm not. Very not. Huhu... You know what, sebelum, semasa dan selepas balik dari abah's funeral, I had to travel almost every week, got meetings almost every two days and loaded with workload almost everyday. Di sebalik kesibukan, sempat gak conduct 1 kelas mekap. Haha!

Last week I went to KL. I drafted one entry tapi tak siap lagi. Nantilah saya sambung, coz suddently had to go to Labuan for 2 days. Tau kene gi Labuan masa saya tengah present kat KLCC. Not happy with that news. My mind and body is not fit to cater that yet, but then what to do. Saye dah TERLALU penat. Rasa cam sama penat dengan masa kawen dulu. Plus BWE sangat sibuk now. Seme orang cam terpaksa backup keje orang lain sebab tak cukup tenaga keje.

Rasa cam watak Dragon Ball yang energy dia kene sedut sampai kering. Badan saya dah sakit2. Otak pun berserabut, asyik headache so cane mau enjoy dengan kondisi cani. Huhu... Tadi juga, terpaksa makan pain killer sebab headache dari pagi till malam tak stop walopun dah sapu balm setengah botol. Azam baru actually to stay away from ubat-ubatan. Ubat2 kaki saya tue pun dah berpaket2 dapat tapi saye tak makan pun. But this time sik dapat bah...

Tadi saya pegi massage centre dekat hotel kat Labuan nih. Area pinggang belakang cam sakit gile. Cam urat2 tegang gile kat situ. Every pergerakan sangat menyakitkan. Nak tunduk, nak duduk, nak bangun tidur, nak mengiring seme sakit. Tukang urut saya tue dari Thai. Dia urut stail Thai. Mak aih sakit tak hengat. Saye memang suke urut, and selalu tertido time kene urut. But this time memang takleh tidur ah. Sakit sesakit2nye. Now tengah tampal plaster besar kat area tue. Hopefully bangun pagi esok dah okay.

Oklah, tak sabar nak balik Miri. Saya dok lepak hotel jek nih tak kuar memane. Takpela, will come here again with hubby one day. Waaaa rase cam nak unpaid leave jek sebulan untuk rehatkan segala2nya, mind body and soul. Huhu... Bertahanlah!


Triple Loneliness

The fact that I already have no dad, leaves an empty space in my life, permanently. Sakit rindu pada orang jauh pun dah cukup pedih. Inikan rindu pada insan tersayang yang takkan kembali lagi. Saye dah jadi anak yatim. So sesape yang nak pahala lebih, silalah berbuat baik pada anak yatim seperti saya yer. Huhu... Merepek...

Saya tau saye belum cite details lagi pasal kematian abah. Nantilah, slowly saya cite. Otak saya pun belum fully stable lagi, tak mampu nak susun bebetul lagi mane nak cite dulu. Huhu.. Tapi soklan paling famous yang saya dapat kat SKO nie of coursela "Dah okay ke?"

Huhu... Of coursela saye akan jawab okay kan. For me, as long as saya tak menangis and tak bermuram durja, it's ok already. As long as saya dah boleh masuk keje, it's ok already. As long as I can meet people, it's okay already. As long as saye bleh buat keje kat ofis and tak nyusahkan orang lain untuk cover keje2 saya, it's ok already.

Tapi dalam hati sape yang tahu kan? Memanglah saye tak bebetul stable lagi. Sepanjang last week saya asyik salah masuk lorong bila nak balik rumah. Nak pegi kedai dekat rumah pun boleh terlajak sampai ke town. Saye asyik blur and unfocused. Huhu... Takpelah, as long as it won't jeopardize my working life, which I hope not. Huhu...


Piju Quits His Job

Pemergian abah beri impak yang besar buat Piju. Kami balik ke Besut dulu bertiga (me, hubby and Piju) tapi kami balik ke Miri berdua sahaja. Piju decided to quit his job and stay with mama.

It was such a hard decision for Piju. Yes, memang plan asal Piju nak keje for a few months jer, sambil2 teman saya while waiting for my husband datang keje sini dulu. But then, he fall in love with everything he had in Miri.

He loved his job so much. The boss, the environment, the colleague, everything was so perfect to him. And his boss loved him pretty much too. Like I said, he managed to get super cheapest price for Apple products. Dari RM399 jadi RM50. Even Mac Book Air yang harga 6k plus pun boss dia nak tolong dapatkan untuk dia dengan harga 1k jek. Should be this or next month dia dapat laptop tue tapi dah takde rezeki. Huhu...

And boss dia dah beri kepercayaan kat dia. Dah kasi Piju pegang kunci kedai. Dia dah janji nak bawak Piju pegi training kat Brunei, janji nak naikkan gaji Piju, etc. Seme tue dah tak sempat. Huhu... Bila dah jadi camni, Piju terpaksa lupakan seme keseronokan and peluang yang dia ada. Saye pun kesian sangat2 kat dia.

Boss dia pun cakap ketiadaan Piju was such a big loss to the company. Piju banyak customer tetap yang takmo dengan orang lain, nak dengan Piju jek. Sampai sanggup datang lain kali semata2 nak deal dengan Piju. And Piju quit pada hari launching Apple iPhone tue. Kedai penuh dengan customer and takde orang nak entertain. Huhu...

Minggu pertama tanpa Piju kat rumah nie, kesunyian saya berganda. Sayu tengok barang2 dia dalam bilik. Tiap kali lalu Bintang Plaza, teringat kat Piju. Dulu tiap kali jalan2 dalam Bintang Plaza tue dengan hubby, kami selalu jek curi2 jenguk Piju kat kedai.

Jiwang kan saya? Huhu... Of cozlah, Piju stayed with me in Miri longer than my husband did. Dulu dialah teman saya pegi shopping and kuli saya suh buang sampah, angkat barang, etc. Tiap malam mesti saye akan spare masa dengar cite2 dia kat kedai lepas balik keje.

I thought I'm the only one who jiwang cam itik. Piju pun same way gak rupe2nya. Mama said, masa hari diorang hantar me and hubby ke airport, malam tue dia nangis horror gile. Hanan adik bongsu saya pun nangis. Dia memang selalu nangis tiap kali any of us nak berpisah. Manje, dah nak PMR tahun nie. Huhu..

Kami sekeluarga memang rapat. Saya sangat2 syukur sebab kitorang adik-beradik memang rapat and takde masalah. Sebab saye selalu dengar, banyak jer adik beradik yang tak puas hati sesama sendiri. Yang nie tak suke yang tu, yang nie dengki yang tu, yang ni ngumpat yang tu, etc. Kami semua saling sayang-menyayangi dengan adil. Hubby pun cakap dia selesa berada dalam family saya sebab seme rapat2 and baik2...

Back to Piju, malam yang Piju and Hanan nangis tue, mama cakap mama pun terpaksa join nangis sama. Diorang cakap, dahla baru hilang abah, Piji balik hari Jumaat, saya lak balik hari Sabtu. Cam seme hilang satu persatu. Even a few days after saya balik Miri pun dia selalu gak cakap kat mama, dia selalu gak teringat saya and teringat life kat Miri. 5 bulan dia kat sini. Huhu...

So, my loneliness is doubled dengan ketiadaan Piju. But now dah makin ok. And I hope Piju kat sana pun akan ok jugak. Huhu...


Hubby Went Offshore

Hubby dah mula keje offshore Sabtu lepas. So last week weekend pertama saya dok kesunyian kat rumah lepas kematian abah and ketiadaan Piju. Memula hubby dah cakap yang dia risau nak pegi offshore, risau nak tinggal saya sorang2 kat rumah.

I said nonsense. Huhu.. Sebab hubby pegi balik hari, and saye takdelah se-emotional tue untuk dirisaukan. Heh! But then, memang rase sunyi pun. Huhu.. Tak saba nak tunggu hubby balek. But then, hari 1st dia pegi offshore tengah bad weather. Kul 10.30 malam baru sampai rumah. Esok kul 4.30 pagi dah kene pegi balek. Sian hubby...

Hubby kene pegi offshore 9 hari, tue minimum dalam sebulan dia kene dok offshore. Hari Isnin-Rabu plak ofis hubby suh hubby overnight kat platform. Means 3 hari tak dapat jumpe hubby. It should be okay, but then time tengah musim kesunyian nie, terasa la sket. Huhu...


Meeting at KL Again

Suddenly, saye kene attend challenge session plak kat KLCC on Thursday. Sedih. Sebab Rabu malam baru hubby sampai rumah, sedangkan saya Rabu petang dah kene naik flight. Dahlah tak sempat bitau hubby nak kene pegi KL. Rasa tak best keluar tak mintak izin hubby, walaupun dalam keadaan cani saye tau hubby akan izinkan.

But then suddenly, ade miscommunication kat offshore, where hubby tetibe kene balik. So last night hubby balik rumah. Terkejut gile saye. Tak expect. Bukak2 pintu nampak hubby terus menangis. Tatau nangis sebab ape. Nangis happy kot sebab tak sangka dapat jumpa. Heh...

At least sempat bitau yang saye nak kene gi KL. Takdela hubby balik rumah terkejut tetibe rumah kosong. Huhu... Napela takde public phone kat offshore tue. Haha! Nak bawak henfon tak dapat. Huhu...

So esok dah nak kene ke KL. Urghh, cam takde hati nak layan. Material pun tak siap lagi nie. Otak saye tak cukup stable lagi nie, tak larat nak pikir lelebih pasal keje. Sebbaik Iskandar ikut sekali, memule tue cam saye sorang jek wakil BWE. Whateverlah.

Language has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone, and the word solitude to express the glory of being alone -Paul Tillich-


Grief

I was back in the office after taking 5 days leave. Yes, 5 days are definitely not enough to forget all the grief, but life must go on. If grief can be forgotten, then the world is meaningless and nothing is worth living for right? Time is the best healer of all grief, and I'm still taking my time.

1st day masuk ofis, seme staff and trainee BWE diam bile nampak saya. Takde pun kata2 takziah (but I received them earlier via SMS). I know they were trying not to make me sad. They pretended like nothing happened and treated me like I was just coming back from normal leave.

Tetibe jadi sebak 1st day tue. I didn't expect it to be that way. Saye expect orang akan tanye pasal abah, tapi diorang senyap bile nampak saya and tegur pun cam sopan2. Rasa diri ini di-simpati and tuelah yang buat saya rasa sebak. Hari ke-2 onwards dah makin okay. All of us seme pretend like abah saye belum meninggal and diorang tak dengar pun pasal nie.

The next days, dah terus kene attend a few meetings kat SKO. This time terbalik plak. Bertubi2 orang datang and tanye pasal abah, sampai rasa cam malas nak gi SKO dah. Huhu.. Yes, actually saye takdela bebetul ready lagi nak meet people and talk about abah. Like I said, I'm still taking my time, but in my own way. Huhu...


Grief of Losing a Loved One

Whenever I've been asked this question "What is the thing that you are afraid most?" my answer had never been changed since the last decade. It is "Losing my loved ones" Yes, I cannot imagine how would I act if I were to experience this scariest thing in my life.

Thinking of losing my loved ones enough to make me crying. I love my family so much, especially my parents. The more I love people, the more I'm afraid to lose any of them. So, knowing that this is going to be my biggest weakness, I have started to prepare myself to face this.

What I did was putting a limit on my love level. I learned to live by myself and not to be so clingy. Payah kan if terlalu dependent and one day if suddenly hilang tempat bergantung tu, it's going to be a very great loss.

I remember one of my mom's friend. She was a housewife. Dunianya kat rumah jer. She didn't know how to drive. Barang dapur seme hasben yang belikan. One day, his husband passed away, and it was such a huge burden on her.


Mama's Grief

Yes, saya dah biasa berjauhan dengan family. Maybe this is the reason kelukaan saya cepat terubat. But mama will take longer to heal. Piju told me, mama will cry each time she sees abah's picture. I understand that. They've been living together for 29 years. Mama said it'd never been enough.

Mama said she cannot sleep in her room yet. Bayang abah ada di mana-mana. Thank god mama is an independent wife. She has a lot of skills and contacts. I'm sure she'll survive well without abah.

I love my husband so much. He's the only person on earth that I don't put any limits in my love meter. I love him with all my heart. And I know I'm going to hurt a lot once I lose him. Yes, it's going to happen (or the other way round, he might lose me 1st, who knows..) but what to do, it's a part of life.

So, selagi masih hidup nie, sayangilah insan tersayang sepenuh hati, tapi sentiasa ingat, cintakan manusia, manusia akan mati... Mati adalah pengorbanan terbesar sebuah cinta kan? Huhu...


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